"Doctor Holocaust is a villainous gentleman who, above all else, is trying to take over the world."

A High-Five of the Ages

So back on Monday I was talking about some poor life choices that I had made with regards to urban mobility. But my chief of operations the Ace of Blades was not so deterred as I. No no. While I had sworn off all forms of spring powered footwear, he had opted to instead devour a full bowl of DETERMINATION and get back on the horse. Or stilts. You know what I mean.

So we headed back down to the usual park and got suited up. He put on an ample amount of safety gear and we went for a walk. The idea was to see if he could get used to them in such a way that we could start adding on other things to the outfit. Things like extended arms for quadruped walking and shoulder mounted chain guns. But our first step (heh) was mastering these stilts. And as usual mother nature defied our aspirations.

It started to pour rain.

This was worrisome because A) I had no way of keeping an umbrella over Ace as he was now three feet taller then usual and B) the wet sidewalk made for some slippery terrain when mixed with the rubber grips on the bottoms of the stilts. But the oppressive precipitation and deafening thunder did NOTHING to blunt the stalwart resolve of Ace. He was not to be stopped. We were doing SCIENCE.

You see, whenever I get overzealous or excited or confident about a plan, the wheels seem to always come off in the worst way and I end up in the hospital. Again. But when Ace got excited the most wonderful things started to happen. Everything went our way.

So there he was strolling down Yonge street Toronto with such confidence as to defy the Gods. Several very attractive women gave him passing high-fives and demanded his number. But Ace didn’t care. He was too damn GOOD for any of that. A homeless person swore off drugs and substance abuse at the mere sight of Ace’s majesty as though he’d just witnessed the second coming of JC. And maybe he did? I don’t know! Another person, a reporter it seemed, took Ace’s picture for the cover of “Stilt Enthusiast Quarterly”. Someone won the lottery. An old person died. It was the BEST. He just kept strutting his stuff down the street, beaming with celestial levels of confidence, like the song “Stayin’ Alive” was written for him. As though the Bee Gees had known this day would somehow come to pass. But all of these awesome occurrences packed into such a tight timeline was making me worry…

You see, I believe in a cosmic level of balance. That for all the good in the world, there is evil. For all the joy, there is pain. For all the awesome, there is bogus. It is the great equation. The balance of the universe. And we were tipping the scales. I was worried that the universe would backlash upon us with something so bogus that it would level city blocks worth of my fair city. It was only a matter of time. And then I saw it. As we were heading back to the lab on the final stretch of sidewalk I saw it. It was coming down the sidewalk straight at us.


A man on a unicycle. 


What were the god-damn odds?! This guy, this RESPONSE OF THE UNIVERSE, was coming straight at us with a big stupid smile on his big stupid face. We were going to die. I look to Ace to see what he was making of this whole situation. But Ace was, at this point, no longer smiling. Nor was he afraid. He was displaying on his face a level of determination that I had not yet seen, and will never again see, in a human being. He was friggin STOIC. And without a moments notice he picked up speed, marching furiously, and put himself on a collision course with this man.

I panicked.

In the fractions of seconds that followed a whole scenario played out in my head. Ace was going to kill this man. How dare he display such awesome behaviour within the same city as him?! Let alone the same street!? Ace then raised his hand and I feared that this was the end. This was the moment of ultimate bogusness. He was going to attempt to attack this man and they were both going to trip over one another, crumple into some kind of singularity, and end us all. But then something amazing happened.


They high-fived. 


And not in an awkward kind of way that you would expect from two men on non-standard forms of urban transit. NO. The execution was FLAWLESS. Powerful, clear, and perfectly targeted was this high-five of the ages. As the clap echoed through the street the storm overhead, and I’m not even kidding here, stopped.

Nature had given in.

You see, Ace had seen this coming. He was not oblivious to the goings on of the universe. He knew the equation. And he was prepared for it. When he saw that man on the unicycle he KNEW. This was it. All or nothing. It was his time. A devastating catastrophe was coming straight at him and he didn’t even blink. No. He turned INTO the cataclysm with fierce determination and faced it head on. He had called the bluff of the cosmos. He believed.


And that’s why he now owns my stilts.


  • Ace of Blades
    Posted June 13, 2013 at 1:56 am | Permalink

    You forgot about the part where I flipped off a car full of dudes, too tall to give fucks.

  • Prof. Enigma
    Posted June 14, 2013 at 12:50 pm | Permalink

    Doc, you sure know how to set a scene.
    Ace? Don’t ever change, sir.

  • Ace of Blades
    Posted June 16, 2013 at 10:00 am | Permalink

    There is also a photo of me on the stilts in front of a physiotherapy clinic, just tempting fate even further.

  • Madam Fab
    Posted June 21, 2013 at 12:57 am | Permalink

    This is the greatest thing I’ve ever read.