"Doctor Holocaust is a villainous gentleman who, above all else, is trying to take over the world."

Overstepping my Capabilities

So a while back, as some of you who watch my videos may know, I had a bad idea. And like many bad ideas it was in disguise as a good idea. It was a notion, nay a dream, of traveling about the downtown core on spring powered stilts.

And some of you know how this went.

It started when I was looking for fast, effective means of travel about my city. Something that could be used on pavement, grass and other forms of uneven terrain and could travel between them with ease. Something that didn’t require fuel or power. Something I didn’t need a licence to operate. Something I didn’t need to park. I landed on the perfect candidate when I came across these things called “power stilts”.

Google that. Open a new tab in your browser and google that.

See them? Pretty sweet right? They look simple enough to use. And unlike standard stilts they buckle onto your shins, thereby removing the need for ankle strength. I got weak ankles. I was stoked. I thought, while watching the demo videos, that these things could turn me into some kind of super-human with the ability to run and jump like never before. But what I had failed to understand was that these videos were of highly trained professionals. So me watching these people and thinking it was all good would have been similar to a kid watching Tony Hawk and thinking skateboarding is easy.

It’s not easy.

But fear not! I had many friends and co-workers telling me that this was not a good idea and that I could get hurt. But I was not to be deterred. No SIR. I ordered a pair online. I got very excited when they came in the mail and in true villain fashion I did not test them out before attempting to take them on a bank heist. With no protective pads accept for a helmet.

I am alive today thanks to that helmet.

So there I was at the base of the lair 2.6. Bracing myself against a concrete support beam. Starring assuredly out of the driveway into the street. Filled to the brim with sinister joy at the thought of being able to outrun and outmanoeuvre anyone in the city. I was blinded by this joy. I had not stopped to consider all the variables. First and foremost being my lack of experience and equal lack of protection. I get so cocky I thought to myself:

“Time to get to the bank in thirty minutes or less”

I go to take my first step and I do what anyone does when they start sprinting. I lean forward. This would swiftly become my first and last mistake to be born of the entire idea of power stilts. You see, when using these things you are to NEVER lean forward. For any reason. And here is why. I go LAUNCHING forward with my first step at a speed that I was both astonished by and unprepared for. But because I had leaned forward to sprint in these wretched things, it made it physically impossible to bring the stilt on my other leg to a point where I could put weight on it.

I crashed spectacularly.

You see, because I had these suicide-aids on, there was no way that I could bail and land on my feet like you might try with a bike or skateboard. No. All of my weight and momentum came crashing down on my knees, hands, and face. Luckily I was wearing a helmet which saved my life. But both my knees were torn up from the pavement and a stray rock had nearly been driven clean through my right hand.  I rolled over onto my back, bleeding all over my cloths, and started to laugh. Why laugh? Well because even though I had not managed to take even two steps in the damn things and had become VERY injured it was still, in my mind, a success. I had successfully tested my limits and found that I was not super-great at these things.

I learned something. And that is always a victory to me.

 

“Time to crawl back into my lab in thirty minuets or less…”

One Comment

  • Attila The Pun
    Posted June 13, 2013 at 4:59 pm | Permalink

    As it happens, I was at the Czech National Theatre today, and I’m pretty the guys dressed as Fauns were on power stilts. This made the fact that they were dancing all the more impressive…