Once upon a time back in a day when I did not aspire to rule the world I worked in an ordinary office for an ordinary company. And, as I would later learn was due to stress, I got sick very often. And not in a “I have allergies and/or have a weak immune system” kind of way. More in a “I had a cold for four years” kind of way.
However, I was determined. Determined to finish my work on Friday and get to resting on the weekend. I had but one day, a mere eight hour shift, standing between me and uninterrupted rest. It was the final count down. And I had a plan.
You see, being sick like this made me drowsy and lethargic. Not optimal working conditions. So I had hatched a GENIUS plan to pump myself full of choice chemicals that would allow me to stay in the air just long enough to land this baby AFTER my shift.
I had planned to drink Red Bull and take DayQuill at the same goddamn time.
The way I saw it, the DayQuill would help abate the symptoms of my being sick while the Red Bull would keep me awake long enough to get through the day. What could go wrong?
Everything went wrong.
I took my first dose of cough meds and started sipping on my energy drink. Everything was gravy for the first two hours. I was working fine and I could almost not tell that I was even sick. I loved it. I thought myself a champion of my own physiology.
Then my hands went numb.
I tried to ignore it. But all of my attempts at typing on my computer became the vain machinations of a man who now, as far as he could tell, possessed handicapped jellyfish for hands. Panic set in. I scrambled for an answer to this newfound issue. Was I having a bad reaction? Was I sicker then I thought? I checked the pack of DayQuill and was mortified to notice a small but devastating addition to it’s title.
DayQuill. Sleepy time formulae.
I was overtired, sick, and had been unknowingly speed balling stimulants and sedatives. So I did what most people do at the time, I panicked more. Who does this? Why would someone release a form of DayQuill that was achieving the same goals as NyQuill? That’s what NyQuill was for! It even has little pictures of moons and stars on the boxes and bottles so you know it’s not something you take if you plan on doing something that’s not fuelled by slurred speech and chemically induced naps!
I had to act fast. My body was still full of energy but I was swiftly losing control of my faculties. My coordination was out the window, talking was swiftly becoming a chore and I could no longer see. I knew that this baby was going crash spectacularly into the sea if I didn’t act fast. So I grabbed the box of MYSTERY LIE DRUGS in between my wrists, which were slowly losing feeling, and stumbled into my bosses cubicle. From there I flung the box at his feet in an offensive manner that might suggest HE gave me the drugs and that this was all somehow his fault. Then I said simply “Please help me”. I was like Leeloo from the fifth element. But instead of an attractive young lady with vibrant hair and a lack of clothing, I was a young disheveled sick man who had very recently made some poor life choices in regards to drugs.
I, through some miracle of still being able to form cohesive thoughts, wondered if this situation could somehow be used as an example in some kind of anti drug campaign targeted at kids. But I didn’t know how. I had no time to work out the details. I was too busy TRIPPING BALLS.
In hindsight I cannot imagine a better time to send an employee home early for the weekend. And I’m almost sure that’s what happened.