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Ace Blogs: The Pun-isher

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    Ace of Blades

    It was one of my rare nights off I decided that I was in the mood for some good ol’ fashioned stand-up comedy. I have come to discover that Melbourne has a very diverse comedy scene, usually something every night and most of the time it’s free or pay-what-you-can.

    The venue was located in an old firehall called Station 59, it was pretty hipster; at least a 7.5/10 on such a scale, yet I have never heard of such a thing.

    When I got there, the MC had just finished doing a spiel about the previous comedian and was introducing the next act; he said the performer’s name so fast I couldn’t quite catch it.

    I was not entirely prepared for what was about to go down, and neither did the audience.

    A demure sixty-something year old man walked on-stage and pulled out a laminated placard with a black dot on it from his blazer, he laid it on the floor and stepped on it, looked around in total silence, then leaned into the microphone and whispered.

    “You’ve really put me on the spot.”

    Suddenly I started to get a serious case of tunnel vision and my breathing became irregular. The laughter amongst the audience seemed to slow down almost to an ambient echo. There was a feeling of unease amongst the crowd.

    Next, he pulled out a second laminated placard and began dusting himself off, he then revealed the placard and in large, black letters it read, “DEATH.”

    “I’ve just had a brush with death.”

    Suddenly a table of university students simultaneously bled out of their ears and collapsed into their beers. A man at the bar seized violently and dropped to the floor like a sack of bricks. I was experiencing something similar to shell-shock; livid, yet in a daze.

    The act continued for an agonizing five minutes. In the moments before I blacked out I saw glasses shatter and light fixtures flicker. People were dropping as if being picked off by sniper fire. The building itself was experiencing a minor earthquake. Just as I faded from consciousness I could see the comedian onstage continuing his act as if the audience was behaving normally, instead of spontaneously fainting, bleeding or combusting. He read his jokes placidly, as if reciting a lullaby.

    Minutes later the survivors awoke in a daze, the comedian had disappeared without a trace. An applause erupted from the audience and the emcee returned to the stage, his eyes bloodshot and his frontal lobe had swelled slightly.

    “And now for our next act…”

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